Obviously, it has been a while.  A long while actually.  A lot has happened over the last few months, none of which was expected.  That is the trickiest part of life I suppose.   Coming to the realization that so very much is out of my control.   So here goes my summary of 2010...and more importantly, what I have learned from the past year of my life.   

January: 

• I left my job in dramatic, I (and approximately 6 others) am walking out the door with my plant and there is nothing you can do about it, fashion.   We took a tremendous risk and it worked out.  We have had a lot of ups and downs, not to mention a large amount of stress over the past year, but we made it.  The new business is slowly becoming successful as we approach our one year anniversary on the 26th.   
• JG and I moved into a new home.  It was in rough shape and a complete fixer upper, to the extent that we couldn't live in it at first.  However, with the selfless help of dozens of friends, our home became livable in a week.   

June:

• I completed graduated school and obtained an MS in Mental Health Counseling, after many long years of sacrificing my personal life.   I began learning to enjoy spending my free time with my husband, family, and friends again and started to relax. 

July:

• I found out I was pregnant and miscarried about a month later.  It was a difficult time for JG and I, as we had been making plans for the next year of our life, none of which included having a child yet.  Although the miscarriage was sad for both of us, we felt that everything happens for a reason and the loss just gave us more time to enjoy life together before we had children.

October:

• This one is a long story so I am going to include the shortened version.   We were asked to adopt a baby girl due to be born January 26th.  I have always wanted to adopt but JG had been less open to it in the past, so there was a lot of arguing and tears during this period of time.  I felt it was a great opportunity as we knew the family and I felt a good connection with the birth mom.  JG felt we should wait to have children for another year at least.   He did give in. We are now anticipating the birth of our little one as we enter a new year.  

November:

• My brothers girlfriend of 11 years, Shannon, passed away unexpectedly.  It was and still is heartbreaking in so many different ways that it is difficult to even describe.  She was my sister and my life is far less beautiful without her in it.  I again had to reframe my belief system to avoid the cognitive dissonnence that comes when I cannot make sense of the things that are happening.  Watching my brother during that period of time felt like having my insides ripped out repeatedly.   I clung tightly to Shannon's close friends because I feel as if I found and continue to find pieces of her within them.   Life after death began to have greater significance.  There were times throughout the weeks following her death, particularly when I was close to Dane, when I could sense her and hear her.   During that period of time, she typically would tell me the same things repeatedly until I could conjure up the strength to comply: "tell him I love him and I miss him Jenna."  Although I still sense her around me sometimes, it is not nearly as strong as it was in the first few weeks following her death.  Given that Shannon was in essence adopted, and was sooo excited about the baby, the irony of the past few months has left me with a near certain knowledge that this was part of a much bigger plan.  I still remember the conversation I had with my brother when I first told him we were adopting and asked him not to be mean about it.  He couldn't understand why I would expect him to, and when I explained to him that I didn't know how he would feel, given that the baby wouldn't be blood related to him, he simply stated: "Shannon's not blood related and she is family."  Shannon was and still is family, and I know there will be parts of her in our little one. I feel that the baby is likely a gift to our entire family from Shannon.  I have also been reassurred that as our baby comes into this world, Shannon will be right there with me. Although I would give anything to have Shannon back, I feel so very blessed to have been given a sister I love. 

December:

• Christmas day was one of the hardest days I have had yet with regard to missing Shannon.  I felt there was nothing I could do to console my brother's grief and it was a very helpless feeling.   I also kept finding myself looking for Shannon and having to remember all over again that she had died. I miss her so much, as does everyone else.  My dad still calls me by her name sometimes and I never correct him, nor does he notice that he does it.   It seemed especially frequent at Christmas.   I know the holidays are about spending time with loved ones, however, it is now apparent to me how difficult they can be when your family is no longer complete.

January 2011: I'll be honest, I am relieved 2010 is over. Although I only outlined a few of the most signficant months above, 2010 is a year that I am happy to put behind me.   In reflection of self-growth, I have learned the following:

• To take chances in life and trust that everything will work out.   I read a quote this year (I can't recall the author) that I now say to myself almost daily: "anxiety and fear are nothing more than the result of faithlessness." I am not a very religious person but feel that this quote reminds us to trust that we are right where we need to be and to know that everything will be fine.  
• That it is o.k. to make plans but life might just have other things in mind; be ready to abandon all plans when circumstances deem it so.
• That it is really important to be supportive of friends and family in times of loss, especially in a physical sense.   I used to avoid anything death related because of my own awkwardness, which I now realize is a selfish thing to do and that presence is important to those we love.
• That I need to make more of an attempt to live in the moment and enjoy myself.  I believe that Shannon lived her life this way and for this reason, was always fun to be around and likely left this earth with few regrets.