Reacting

This is how I found Gav one morning. Just catching up on some children's books.  November 2011

Today during our work lunch we were discussing reacting vs. responding, strong personalities vs. "weak" personalities, etc.  Reacting is only useful when it pertains to defensive driving, a child choking, and so and so forth. 

This led me to thinking about reacting in a different sense. In a more "go through the motions" type of way, which is another form of impulsivity.  Anyhow, in a book I had recently read (the title escapes me at the moment) the author talked about goal setting, daily planning, and living according to our priorities.  Choosing to go through life with intention rather than just reacting.  

Although I am not typically an emotionally reactive person, lately I am guilty of simply reacting my way through life. Of just trying to survive the next pay period, dig deep for patience while my child/husband are sick, make the easiest boxed meal I can find in my pantry for dinner, count the hours/days until the weekend, and wade through the piles of stuff all over my home while covering my eyes.  I am aware of it and I am completely bothered by it.  And yet each and every day I convince myself that whatever it is that is bugging me, I will take care of it later.  As you can imagine, there is a whole lot getting on my nerves and "later" has yet to show up on my door step. 

Regardless of my current state of personal messiness, I have improved in my ability to be present in the moment when I am spending time with people.  I am happy about this.  But the whole "reacting my way through life" thing has me feeling like I am at the bottom of a pile of garbage. A very large pile at best. 

I realize that my life did not become this way overnight but I swear it snuck up on me, even if it was ever so slowly.  Maybe it was because I couldn't slow down for fear that I would have to face all of the different major life stressors that had become my reality. Or maybe it was because I was just trying to get by. But whatever the reason, there are some major improvements that need to be happening around here. I am taking some time off after Christmas to sort out my mess.  My sole goal for 2012 is to create an intentional life for myself. One where I plan better, follow through more, control what I can and let go of what I cannot. So in case you are wondering, I have officially established my "later."