30

I am 30 years old today.   It sounds so odd to say.  Primarily because 30 was my scary age.  I was afraid I would feel old, look old, and not be in a place in my life that I had envisioned. 

Some of my friends asked me a few weeks ago what I was planning for my birthday. I told them that I had always wanted to have a huge party, get all done up, and wear a tutu skirt.  But that just was not going to happen now.  So JG planned a small get together with a few of my girlfriends at our place.  It was relaxing and fun; nothing like the big bashes I have had in the past, but wonderful in its own right. 

I did not have time to do my hair.  Nor did I wear a tutu.  But I was surrounded by people who love me and whom I love in return.  Britt got me a card with a tutu on it instead.  And I must admit, it was so much sweeter than wearing one.  We laughed a lot, told stories, and ate really good food.  JG took Ellie to a friend's house for a while and at the end of the night he brought her back home.  She was full of smiles for me, cuddled into my arms and immediately fell asleep.  It was the perfect ending to the perfect evening. 

I used to dread being another year older.  I wanted to stay young forever with minimal responsibilities and tons of freedom.  In my mid 20's I had started to notice that with each year came more heartache, I was less invincible, and was experiencing more hardships than I had ever planned on going through.  No one likes to hurt or to view the world as a place where bad things happen to good people.  

But the fact of the matter is, they do.  I am fully aware of this. Both the good and the bad come whether we want them to or not.  The past year was no different.  I will never underestimate the importance of relationships in getting us through the trying times.  Between 29 and 30 I have said goodbye to someone I wish back into my life everyday, I have hugged people I never thought I would, lost a baby, graduated with my masters, became a mother, learned the value of proximity, became friends with people who used to be acquaintances, witnessed an immense amount of emotional suffering, named a child, and held my brother's hand for the first time in about twenty-some years. 

With the sweet comes the sour.  At 30 I have tasted both.  The older I get, the less I take for granted.  Because I know that around the next corner there could be bitterness or beauty.  I now know that when I say goodbye to someone, it could be the last time I see them or they see me.  At 30 I care not about what people say, think, or do.  I care about making these moments that are mine, intentional ones. So may 30 bring with it happiness, time, loved ones, and wisdom.  Because this year...I know enough to pay attention.