We are in need of a routine at Cabin Gio. I feel like we are floundering. With my return to work approaching in less than a week, I am starting to freak out. When I ask most of the professionals how to establish one, the most common answer is to follow the baby's lead. Understandable, however, if that is the case then Ellie is leading me on a wild goose chase on a daily basis. There is nothing predictable about her days, with the exception of her undpredictability. There is no pattern to her eating or sleeping. Therefore, if any of you moms out there have any suggestions, feel free to leave me some advice. I am asking for it.
Ellie had her well child check-up this week. There is something wrong with her belly button so we have to go back in 2 weeks for a procedure that I am dreading since the doctor said it will hurt her a little. He also reminded us for the 5th time that her behavior has not been normal because he is afraid that we will never want another baby. Apparently, Ellie should be sleeping 18 hours per day. She actually sleeps around 10. So according to her doctor, we've been "badly short-changed in the sleep department." On the bright side of things, her percentiles continue to increase. At her first appointment (4 days old) they were: height = 25th percentile, weight = 25th percentile, and head circumfrence = 10th percentile. Now they are: height=50th percentile, weight = 75th percentile, and head circumfrence = 50th/75th percentile. It is a big win for little Ellie and a remarkable amount of progress considering what a rough go of it she has had.
I attended a counseling session last night with Ellie's birth mom. JG chose not to go, he was still too angry with her. I was reluctant but felt it was the right thing to do for multiple reasons. I am glad I went. It was uncomfortable, difficult, and emotional but healing at the same time. It gave me the opportunity to say what I needed to and give Ellie a voice. It also gave me a chance to forgive so that I could have closure, let go of the negativity, and move on.
When I was slightly younger, I remember always hearing people say "you are never given more than you can handle." I very clearly recall thinking to myself that whatever form of higher power was handing out life lessons, must have believed that I was some kind of indestructable freak of nature and was way overestimating my ability to prevail without bitterness and hate. Since that time, I have come to realize that the value is in taking what we can from the portions of our lives that make us want to wave a white flag, never get out of bed again, or lash out at those who we feel have not been dealt as unlucky of a hand.
I am happy to say I have come a long way since then. This process has taught me so much already. It has reminded me that I need to trust my gut or my senses, whatever you want to call it. The little voice inside my head that attempts to guide me is often ignored. I've learned to dig deeper when I feel I have nothing left to give. It has forced me to give up my privacy, my comfort, and my pride. It has been a lesson in the importance of relationships; even though I valued them prior, I am so grateful for having the ability to demand only the best in way of help for Ellie. Finally, it has reiterated that if I do not let myself ask the "why" questions, but just wait it out and force myself through the fear that accompanies the struggle, with the bad eventually comes the good. Even if it is harder and uglier than I could have ever imagined it to be, after the desperate times have passed it makes life that much more beautiful. Which is a gift, that no matter what cards I had been handed, could have been received any other way than precisely the way it was given.
No comments:
Post a Comment