Dread

My pissed off Ellie in her pretty party clothes.  She just wants her mom to stay home with her:)

It is Sunday.  Which means that tommorrow is Monday, aka return to work day.  I do not think I will cry but I am sick over it.  I vow that I will not leave my next baby until they are at least 3 months old.  Each client I have scheduled so far I find myself thinking of in terms of time away from Ellie.  For example, nine clients so far = 10-11 hours away from Ellie. 

We attended a birthday party last night for our friend Ben.  I only stayed for dinner but it was nice to see and visit with people again, and to have a good meal. Ellie was on her best little behavior and saved all of her screaming for the car ride home and remainder of our night together.  JG wanted me to get a sitter for Ellie but I wouldn't because of having to leave her this week for work.  He is having a little harder of a time adjusting to our lifestyle change, although he never complains.  I really do have to make more of an effort to spend time alone with him at some point here.  It is just that the closer it has gotten to returning to work, the less I want to be away from her. 

Work currently presents its own set of problems for me that I have done a great job of pushing out of my mind for the last few months.  I have a different arrangement than I did prior to Ellie's arrival.  Although I technically am still an employee of the agency, I do not have a boss and am financially self-reliant.  Unfortunately, I am missing any sort of system or form of organization for beginning this arrangement and have not had the time that I had hoped to work on this portion of my life. To add to the stress, I was subpeoned for a trial from my former role as a foster care worker, scheduled to occur in a little over a week.  Trials are always anxiety provoking so I am feeling pretty inconvenienced by it, not to mention the financial loss it will cause for me not being able to see clients during that time.

I know everything will be fine and this is just another small change. But I must admit, even the small has a tendancy to feel big with a new baby.  I understand that much of the next month or so will be trial and error.  Trying to figure out what work hours will be best for all 3 of us, whether to put Ellie in daycare yet or not, and who will do what with regard to daily responsibilities. I am lacking confidence in all of it, which is not surprisingly proving to be self-defeating for me. But I will get there. 

Hopefully everyone else had a good weekend.  Although I do have to go back into work for a few hours today to schedule clients, I intend to spend the rest of the day loving on Ellie and organizing the house so I feel a little more in control. I may even try to convince JG to take me shopping for some new works shirts in hopes that it will make me feel a little better.  New clothes are always a good pick-me-up right?